If Only My Child Would…
If Only My Child Would Be Like…
The Katz family lived an ordinary life, living in a neighborhood surrounded by many other Jewish families. Their next-door neighbors the Kleins and the Kaufmans, were their closest friends.
After a non-eventful pregnancy, Mrs. Katz gave birth to an eight-pound boy. As soon as the baby was born it became clear that he was not well. He was immediately rushed into the neonatal intensive care unit and a long process of healing began. Baruch Hashem, after seven operations and many miracles, the baby was finally released from the hospital in time to celebrate his first birthday.
You may have all heard of similar nightmares. There is, however, one aspect of this story that stands out. After several days of tests to determine the precise problems of the baby, the doctor met with Mr. and Mrs. Katz and presented his findings. He was doubtful that the child would be healthy enough to lead a productive life.
As the doctor is sharing the report, Mr. Katz notices that his wife is displaying somewhat of a smile. He contained himself and when the doctor left he immediately inquired of his wife if she understood the gravity of the situation. When she replied in the affirmative, he proceeded to question the smile she had as the doctor was giving his report.
“Oh!”, expressed Mrs. Katz. “I was smiling because Hashem considers us so special. He didn’t give this challenge to our neighbors, the Kleins and the Kaufmans. Hashem gave this test to us because He knows that we are special and that we will pass the test.”
Hard to imagine such an outlook, but it was obviously what Mrs. Katz needed to accept her fate.
I share this story as an introduction to a very great challenge to many parents. In a recent discussion with a parent about his son, the father expressed that he wished that his son was just like another boy. I wasn’t concerned with the jealousy aspect but was very concerned about the child ever learning of his father’s wish. While I am sure that the father would never share that sentiment with his son, the problem exists with the thought itself.
As we look around us we see other people’s children, some may seem brighter, some may be more respectful and some may get better grades than our children. It is natural for one to imagine the seemingly perfect child be ours. It may be natural but very unhealthy and clearly unproductive.
The first thing we must accept is we really don’t know. This means that while everything appears to be perfect from the outside, we have no idea about the real issues and troubles of that perfect envied child. I recall my father z’l quote the pasuk (Shemos 12:30) that there was no house (in Mitzrayim) that didn’t have a dead one in it in relation to everyone has his or her problems. My experience has also taught me that the more unnoticeable the problem, the greater and more challenging it is.
Suffice it to say, that you shouldn’t want your child to be like anyone else. Every child is unique and custom-made for his family and circumstances. While it is good to have goals for our children, no goal should ever include that the child should be like another child. Children should have role models and people to emulate, but they should not be just like anyone other than who they are.
Now let us assume that the child you are wishing that your child be like is not your child. What good can come from your wishes and dreams? Your ultimate job is to take care of your child and to make sure that your child is reaching his full potential.
There are many versions of this story but the message is the same. Ten people sit around the table and write down their troubles. They then place the sheets of paper in a pile. Each has a chance to choose any list of troubles and the list they each choose is their own – the one that they wrote for themselves. Hashem gives each person their own set of trials and tribulations and sometimes they require specific circumstances for the test to be administered.
My guess is that if would do the same process for our children, we would all pick our own children.
As I recently shared this approach with a parent, the parent reacted with a troubling response. “How can I not wish my child was like other children when I can’t find any redeeming qualities in my child?” Sadly, I had to inform the parent that the problem lies with the parent. A parent that can’t find any redeeming quality in their child is lacking greatly on many fronts. I feel sorrier for the child that is being raised by such a parent. If we would stop comparing our children to others and start focusing on how each child is a unique, precious and special individual, we would suddenly see many wonderful qualities.
A child is in deep pain when the child feels that he is being compared to others. Each child has a need to feel that the parent appreciates him for who and what he is. That doesn’t mean that we don’t have to work on the areas that need improvement and development. However, at no time should we ever tell a child that we wish that he were like someone else and at no time should we ask a child why he can’t accomplish something that someone else can.
Children should not be expected to fit into a mold. Parents who understand the uniqueness of each child are more comfortable with the child and with themselves.
Finally, I will share with you an objection that was raised by a parent. The parents questioned why should we not wish our child were like another if we are told that (Bava Basra 21.) certain jealousy increases wisdom. That is true and it is good for the child to have his own internal jealousy. However, the jealous feelings of the parent can only be the cause of problems.
May we always see the good in our own child and feel no need or desire to compare them to anyone else. Our wish and tefilah should be that our child develops to his own full potential.